Kakuzu and Chiyo: The Love That Always Was
by Bleeping Bloop
Summary: Kakuzu is pissed that Hidan gets all the ladies. Out of the kindness of Hidan's black heart he decides to play matchmaker. The lucky lady? None other than Granny Chiyo! How will the Akatsuki react? Insanity ensues! First Kakuzu and Chiyo story ever!
1. Introduction

Hidan was not the most observant man in the world. Why should he be? Immortality has it's perks, like not being able to die. As much as Hidan didn't observe things, he noticed that Kakuzu got jealous whenever the ladies would hit on him. Not that Kakuzu would ever admit it, but he showed it. Whenever someone stupidly flirted with Hidan, Kakuzu would always throw a temper tantrum. When Hidan was done scarficing that heathen's ass he would always lose a limb to Kakuzu when he returned. Hidan knew he was just jealous. So, naturally, Hidan started to walk around without a shirt to get the ladies' attention even more. This resulted in Kakuzu rearranging Hidan's organs in his own artistic design that puts Sasori's puppets to shame. As much as Hidan hated his partner, he felt that Kakuzu should at least feel the touch of woman. That way he was on a one-way ticket straight to hell. Not that his love of money wasn't helping, this was what Hidan like to call a _guarantee_. When Hidan and Kakuzu were staying the night at some crappy inn, Hidan decided to play match maker. He sent out letters to the most powerful kunoichi asking them to meet Kakuzu at the nearest bounty station. Hidan would bet his scythe that's where they were heading next, but gambling is a sin. He laid down in bed thinking about all the good he was doing Kakuzu.

Lady Chiyo was idly fishing with her beloved brother. She had a half-dead glaze in her eyes while she reminisced about the good days. She doubted if she could still do the puppet master jutsu seeing as it's been ages since she commanded a puppet. A bird flew in and landed on her brother's head. "What do they want now," she spat. She would not be helping the Sand Village while she was in retirement.

"Its not from the sand," he said pointing to the black raven.

"Well what does it say?"

"It's a dating letter. For you." Chiyo stared at him in disbelief. He handed the letter to her and she snatched it from his hands. She opened it and peered in. "Well what does it say?"

"Dear old useless bag of bones," Chiyo read. "I'm Hidan, a S-rank criminal affiliated with the world famous Akatsuki. That's enough about me, you see I have this godless partner who is the most miserable thing I have ever seen. I decided he needs a woman in his life. Maybe just a quick fuck or a long relationship. I don't fucking know, that guy is a mystery. How can he be content being an atheist sinner? Oh yeah this isn't about that, this is about his wonderful personality. How to describe him? Well, he loves to spend money on his women so you'd be fucking lucky to snatch this guy. He has no temper whatsoever. You know what? Fuck it, if you want to meet this sinner come to the first bounty station west of the Hidden Sand Village. Love, Hidan. P.S Praise Jashin. P.S.S If you aren't interested don't sent a bunch of ANBU and shit after us cuz Pein would get really pissed. Also forget the fact I told you our leader's name."

"Well," her brother asked. "When are you leaving?"

* * *

~Anonymous reviews are on~


	2. Meeting

Just to clarify: _italics_ are thoughts, and **bold** is Zetsu's dark half. I also don't own Naruto.

* * *

Hidan was right, for once. The Zombies were heading for the closest bounty station and he couldn't help but smile at his own smartness. "Why are you smiling," Kakuzu asked glaring at his partner.

"Umm well it's because I got to kill that guy for Jashin," Hidan quickly answered.

"Really? This desert heat isn't bothering you?" Kakuzu increased the intensity of his glare.

"Oh course it fucking is bothering me you dipshit! I'm wearing this ugly ass black thing. Why do I have to wear it? Black in a desert is for retards." Kakuzu turned around and continued walking through the wasteland.

* * *

Lady Chiyo was looking super sexy in her robe that was dragging through the sand. It didn't show off any of her curves and made her look shorter than she actually was. Her gray hair was messed up from the combination of the wind and desert heat with a few lose strands sticking out from her bun. She strutted her stuff walking down the desert path to the bounty station. She saw the signature Akatsuki cloak outside the bounty station and wearily approached. He was everything a woman wanted and more. Nice ripped muscles. Sexy, shiny hair. A manly aura. Yes, Chiyo was very happy she came. Now if only he was riding a white stallion. "What the fuck ran your face over," Hidan asked waking Chiyo up from her fantasies.

"Is that anyway to talk to your elders," Chiyo snapped hitting her dream man in the head.

"Fucking senile bitch. Are you here for the date," He sternly asked.

"Yeah and you've already kept me waiting."

"Don't worry he's coming out soon. Just needs to get his fucking money."

"You're not my date?"

"Fuck that. Your like two hundred or something. My partner in crime is the man you're looking for. Speak of the devil," Hidan turned around and Kakuzu was staring at him. "Kakuzu this is your future wife. Future wife this is the man of your dreams." Kakuzu dropped his briefcase and Chiyo fell to the ground. "Wow am I fucking good or what? I can already feel the chemistry."

"Chiyo," Kakuzu muttered.

"Kakuzu," Chiyo asked.

"Nice to see you again," they both said in unison.

"See you haven't aged well," Kakuzu said.

"See you are still rotten as every. Resorting to criminal activity," Chiyo scoffed.

"Anyway to make a quick buck."

"And still greedy." Hidan stood back from the verbal war the elders were fighting, admiring his skills once again. _Maybe I should open my own dating company_ Hidan thought. _After I hook the couples up I can slaughter them to Jashin. I'll call it Hidan's Dating and Sacrificing Company. Perfect._

"Why are you even here Chiyo," Kakuzu asked. "You couldn't possiably take us alone." _With every successful match, Jashin gets two new souls to torture._

"Who said I was alone," Chiyo yelled. Though now that she thought about it, it was pretty stupid to come alone. _I'll take all the money I earn and burn it in front of Kakuzu._

"Leave now or die."

_I can just picture the look on his - wait leave?_ "Oi! Grandma," Hidan yelled. "Don't leave you guys are destined to be together."

"Too late," she scoffed, turning around. Kakuzu turned his back on her too. _Fuck_, Hidan thought. _I am not losing my first customers._

"Look," Hidan said. "I don't fucking care or know what you guys had, just forget it and try again."

"No," they both said, crossing their arms.

"Can't you see how fucking lovely you guys are."

"We're not lovely," they both yelled.

"Fuck okay, Kakuzu I'll give ya five bucks or somethin' if you go out with this graceful lady." Chiyo hacked a lugie onto the sand at being called graceful. "What do you want?"

"Well," she said. "I would love to see my darling grandson."

"Yeah who?"

"Sasori Akasuna."

"Good, I'd bet he'd fucking love to catch up with you. So it's agreed! I'll have Zetsu set up a nice dinner back at the base for you love birds, let's go!"

"I never agreed," Kakuzu said but Chiyo and Hidan were far from sight. He grumbled and picked up his money. _At least I get five bucks_, Kakuzu thought.

* * *

"Hello," Tsunade asked, arrving at the bounty station. She took a seat on the stairs and patiently waited. She fiddled her thumbs and after a few hours she saw Shizune running towards her, TonTon close behind.

"I've think you've been stood up," Shizune stated.

* * *

**Author's note**: It will only get more ridiculous from here on. You have been warned. No lemons, limes, grapes or any other type of fruit will happen. Chiyo and Kakuzu are wicked old, that's nasty. Or maybe something will happen and I'll ruin your mind. Naw, I promise to warn ya.

~ Anonymous reviews are on~


	3. A Lovely Date

"Zetsu, what the fuck I said a lovely dinner," Hidan barked at Zetsu.

"It is nice," Zetsu said. "Just killed her this morning. **Very fresh**." Kakuzu and Chiyo nervously sat across from each other at a small table. The white table cloth had blood spatters on it and a dim candle burned in front of them. They shared a bored and annoyed look Two severed arms were on a plate infront of the old people in a nice rosemary sauce.

"How is this nice," Hidan scowled, picking up Kakuzu's dinner and waving it in front of Zetsu. Zetsu glared at Hidan, who nervously put the arm back. Kakuzu glared at the arm being returned to his plate. Chiyo felt left out and decided to glare at a surprisingly not dead fern in the corner of the kitchen.

"We worked hard on it," Zetsu growled, showing his teeth. "I wonder if you'd still be immortal in our stomach. **I'd be a never ending supply of food**." Zetsu lunged at Hidan who ran out of the base. "Come back here," Zetsu howled, chasing after him.

"Yay finally alone," Chiyo sarcastically remarked. Kakuzu grunted at her and started cutting his dinner into smaller pieces. "You're eating that?"

"I know Hidan touched it," Kakuzu stated, looking down. "But Zetsu's sauce is good enough to pay an arm and a leg for." Chiyo could have sworn he winked after saying that.

* * *

"Nobody stands me up," Tsunade yelled up to the sky over dramatically. "Tonton follow the scent of the nastiest filth you can find." The pig saluted her and ran off into the distance, Tsunade close behind. Shinuze tried to be the voice of reason, but went unheard as her master was following a pig through the desert. She sighed and followed her, trying to keep maintain sanity.

* * *

"Fuckity fuck fuck," Hidan panted. "I have to get back and force those two assholes to like each other." Hidan peered behind the rock he was hiding behind looking for any green in the desert. He moved a little more, then a hand landed on his shoulder, a high pitched scream escaping his lips as he turned as saw...

* * *

It could have been the wine cooler, (or the hope Kakuzu possesed that Zetsu could actually kill Hidan) but Kakuzu found himself enjoying the old hag's company. He was laughing at one of Chiyo's tales from the good 'ol days.

"When Sasori was a little one," Chiyo giggled. "He would always play dress up with his puppets. Normally just a robe would be fine. But not for little Sasori. Nope. He made a special outfit for each one. Once, I caught him making out with his favorite!" Kakuzu and Chiyo laughed together, holding their sides. Normally anyone would have been concerned at this, seeing as Sasori's favorite puppets were his parents but Chiyo decided long ago Sasori had many more issues than that.

"Well," Kakuzu said through bits of laughter. "I once forgot where Hidan's joints connected, he ended up walking backwards for weeks." The two oldies burst out in laughter, hardly able to contain themselves. If it wasn't for years of ninja training both of them probably would have suffer strokes.

"I missed you, greedy bastard."

"I missed you too, senile old woman." They clanked their glasses together and enjoyed their arm.

* * *

Tobi!

"Tobi what the hell," Hidan yelled. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

"But you were playing Tobi's second favorite game without Tobi. Don't get eated by Mr. Zetsu! Almost as fun as don't get blown up by Senpai." Hidan looked at Tobi like he sprouted another head. Tobi responded by tilting his head to the side and possibly sticking his tongue out.

"Whatever. Just help me get back to the base."

"Do you have a plan?"

"Duh!" Hidan's "plan" was taking a permanent marker and writing food on Tobi's mask and not food on his chest. Step two, was running like hell back to the base.

"Hidan wait for Tobi," Tobi called behind Hidan. "Ah! Zetsu! Hidan help!" Hidan turned around for a brief moment and saw half of Tobi trying to crawl out of Zetsu's leafy head.

"Fuck that," Hidan muttered, running closer to the base. He ran through the open door and saw Chiyo and Kakuzu sitting at the table. "Its okay," he exclaimed. "I'm here to save this date! So forget about why you hate each other and get married already."

"Oh yeah," Chiyo hiccuped. "I hate you."

"Me too," Kakuzu said as he dramatically pushed himself from the table and stormed off. Chiyo just sat there playing with her uneaten arm.

"Go after your man," Hidan yelled. "Jashin, do I have to tell you people everything!"

"Mhmm," Chiyo asked. "Where's my gran baby."

"He'll be here soon," Hidan said. "First I have to save your relationship! Do you have a wallet?" Chiyo gave Hidan a strange look. "A wallet? Are you that fucking slow? Tobi probably could out smart you!"

"Of course I have a wallet! Didn't your mother teach you manners?"

"She tried but I stabbed her." Chiyo, not wanting to press the issue further, stuck a wrinkly hand into her robe and pulled out her wallet. Hidan snatched it from her hand and grabbed the hag's spare change. "Here Kakuzu, Kakuzu," Hidan purred jiggling the change around. "Come here boy! I got some money." Kakuzu stuck his head into the room sniffing loudly. "Go get it!" Hidan let half of his wealth go on the floor while Kakuzu madly dashed at it, not even letting the smallest amount escape his grasp. Chiyo watched with a good mixture of fear and disgust. "Now you can have the rest after dessert." Kakuzu grumbled something and hesitantly sat across from Chiyo. "Good, now are you old bastards ready for some homemade pie?"

* * *

**Author's note**: Hello loyal readers! Enjoying this epic tale so far? I hope most of you changed your 'Naruto Pairings' list on your profiles to include Kakuzu and Chiyo.

~ Anonymous reviews are on~


	4. Love Songs and Heart Break

"Here is the pie," Hidan grinned, throwing the most disgusting thing on the table. This "pie" was a nice blacken color with a few stray fungi growing on it. The stuff under the crust shifted and escaped the shell, spattering onto Chiyo's face. It started to burn and she quickly wiped it off. Chiyo examined the napkin as the purple glob started to melt through it. She threw it at the fern, hoping nobody would notice. Luckily, Hidan and Kakuzu were staring straight at her.

"Umm well," Kakuzu spoke, clearing his throat and the awkwardness. "Hidan why don't you leave-"

"And get some romantic shit. Great idea. I'll b-r-b. Lol." In a silver flurry he disappeared.

"What," Chiyo asked.

"Damn kids," Kakuzu grumbled.

"I think we should discuss how we know each other. We can have a flash back or keep with the story and say it through dialog."

"A flash back? Like in movies? Go for dialog."

"Okay," Chiyo whispered. Her eyes became glazed as she cocked her head exactly thirty seven degrees to the north east. A green wind blew as a trickle of drool slid down her chin. Kakuzu stared in wonder. _Damn_ he thought to himself _she is so...ugly_. "During the second great-"

"Awe are you having flash backs without me," Hidan asked. "Well I found a guitar but all I know are church hymns so here I go. If you know any feel free to join."

* * *

Art is eternal, brat," Sasori stated as monotonic as his wooden vocal chords could muster.

"Danna just try to see it like I do, un," Deidara begged.

"I can't. Your way is wrong mine is right."

"Real open minded, like a true artist, un."

"Well look who's talking. All real artists don't have to fit into your little stereotype."

"You could at least try, mhmm."

"And become a sell-out. I don't think so." Sasori and Deidara's bickering lead them to one of the many secret Akatsuki hideouts in the great desert. Deidara gripped the door knob and very slowly turned creating the most amount of suspense. The door creaked along as the wind blew by. The door was nearly a quarter of the way open. Sliding further and further. Getting to the halfway mark now when Hiruko's tail broke the door in half and pushed Deidara through.

"I hate waiting," Sasori spat. He walked over Deidara and looked inside the hideout. "You," he muttered.

* * *

"If you love Jashin and you know it clap your hands," Hidan paused as he placed the guitar down to clap his hands. When Chiyo and Kakuzu didn't clap he sent them a good glare. Itachi would be proud. "If you know two fucking sinners who are going to burn in hell for the rest of their lives because they didn't show respect to Lord Jashin by clapping their hands then clap your hands." Hidan paused again to clap his hands in front of Chiyo and Kakuzu's faces. "If you slaughter-" Hidan was cut off by the squeaking of a slowly opening door. The trio stared at the door moving at an unusually slow pace. After a half hour Kakuzu glanced at the clock and sighed. He still didn't get his money. The door suddenly broke in half while a body flew in.

"You know I hate waiting," Konan yelled. "For you to open doors like that." Pein laid face down on the tile but quickly composed himself when he saw his minions were in the room.

"Excellent job pushing me," Pein thanked. "Perfect. Just like I ordered you to." Konan narrowed her eyes and let out a searing hiss. "Now are you - who is this?" Pein pointed his finger at the sack of rotting person sitting at the table.

"That's Kakuzu," Konan snickered.

"Oh. Who's the other hag? Speak before God has to deal divine punishment!"

"You brought Jashin with you," Hidan squeaked. "I need to make some sacrifice, prepare the goat head -"

"I was taking about myself. Anyways, answer me woman!"

"She is Kakuzu's soul mate," Hidan answered instead. "Its written in the stars."

"I'm waiting for my gran baby," Chiyo said. "Sasori."

"So your the one he wants to see suffer a fate worse than hell," Pein asked. "Lawl, can't wait. Ttyl." Pein and Konan dashed to the other room. Well, Pein dashed. Konan smacked herself but followed suit.

* * *

"You," Sasori muttered. "You brat! You lead us to the wrong base again."

"Well Pein wrote it with red crayon on a origami crane! How am I supposed to read this, yeah?" Deidara and Sasori strutted away from the empty base, hoping to get it right next time.

* * *

"You! You bastard stood me up," Tsunade yelled.

"Ah," Ebizu screamed, clutching his heart. "The slug queen!" With the rage of one thousand suns, Tsunade stomped her way over to the poor soul grabbing him by the collar.

"Who do you think you are to stand me up," she hollered. "I waited for hours."

"Lady Tsunade," Shinuze panted, catching up to her master. "Leave him alone, he's an old man."

"Who cares? This scum left me alone and heart broken!"

"You are not heart broken."

"You don't understand my feelings. Why did you abandon me?" She shook poor Ebizu in her iron grip who flailed around like, well, an old man in a heart broken women's grip.

"I didn't plan a date with you," he squeaked. "My sister had a date today, at a bounty station. Any relation?" Tsuande dropped the man down and quirked an eyebrow.

"I think Ton-Ton lead us in the wrong direction," Shinuze sighed. "Lets just forget this whole ordeal and go home."

"No," Tsunade screamed. "That jerk is rich! He can pay my debts. Ton-Ton lead us the other way!" The pig oinked and ran off the way they came, Tsunade close behind. Shinuze sighed, apologized on her master's behalf and followed.

* * *

"The itsy bitsy Jashin climbed up the water spout. Down came the fire and wiped the sinners out. Out came the followers who bathed in their blood. Offering their bodies-"

"Hidan," Kakuzu growled. "Shut up now!"

"You are the most annoying brat," Chiyo scoffed.

"Tch, fine I'll do a non-Jashin song. Even though it sucks."

"No," they both yelled.

"Three blind Uchiha, three blind Uchiha. See how they run! See how they run! They all ran after power. But it caused them to wither like a flower. Did you ever see such a thing in your life As three blind Uchiha."

"Hidan why did you leave Tobi alone," Tobi panted, coming in through the door frame. His clothes were tattered and he had a bite mark on the corner of his mask.

"Whoops," Hidan simply stated. "Now on to a new song."

"No," Chiyo screamed and smashed Hidan's guitar on his head.

"I think I love you," Kakuzu mumbled.

"I'm not done yet," Chiyo winked and threw the pie at Hidan. It started to burn a hole in his chest and he moaned in pain. He desperately tried to wipe the thing off his chest while screaming bloody murder. He succeeded put the poor corner fern was in the way of the incoming pie. Being a fern, it could only watch as it's demise was racing towards it. If ferns could cry, this one certainly did. The pie made contact with it, which resulted in a small explosion and a now crispy fern.

"Why is the door broken, un" Deidara asked stepping into the base. "Did I hear art? And who is that, mhmm?"

"I'm Chiyo," she exclaimed. "Where's my gran baby?"

"Un?"

"Why is the door broken," Sasori asked. "I mean-" he stopped when he saw his grandmother. Inside his puppet he double check Hiruoko's locks and set his tail to kill.

"Sempai," Tobi hollered, forgetting about his near death experience with Zetsu's mouth. He ran over and gave Deidara the biggest hug ever.

"Awe," Chiyo cooed, narrowly dodging a swipe from Hiruoko's tail. He swung again but she ducked under it.

"Fuck off," Hidan yelled, grabbing the tail. "Kakuzu and this bitch are destined to be together which they can't do if one of them is dead." Chiyo walked over to Hiruoko and kicked her foot into a small indent, making the back fly open. Inside she saw her precious grandson hiding.

"Grandmother," Sasori spat, removing himself from Hiruoko. "What gives me the pleasure of seeing you so soon?"

"S-sasori," Chiyo stuttered. "You haven't changed at all."

"Why that is because-"

"You've been eating your veggies!" At the word of eating Zetsu crawled from the ground. "Good job eating them Sasory, baby."

"**Did someone say eating**," Zetsu asked trying to wiggle himself from the earth. "Tobi tastes like dirt."

"Try Sempai," Tobi chimed. "He tastes like magic." The two were still bound by Tobi's hug so all Deidara could do was mutter a terrified un.

"Really," Zetsu inquired getting too close for Deidara's liking. Well, being in the same room as the guy was too close for anyone's liking.

"Where'd Sasori go," Chiyo asked. "He was just here." In the confusion that is the Akatsuki, Sasori somehow managed to escape the commotion.

"He's probably sulking," Kakuzu moaned. "Such a brat."

* * *

Somewhere very far away Kisame and Itachi were strolling through the desert enjoying an amazing discussion. "So then I was like rawr and tore off all their limbs," Kisame giggled. Itachi slowed down a bit to let comrade laugh. That's when the unthinkable happened. A look appeared on Itachi's face. Not just the cool calm look, no. It was an honest to God emotion. "Itachi, what's the matter," Kisame asked seeing the flash of emotion.

"Hn," Itachi responded. This was a questioning 'hn' so Itachi wasn't quite sure either.

"Is it your Uchiha senses? Did Sasuke do something to disgrace the clan?"

"Hn." This was a no 'hn'. "My Akatsuki senses."

"So one of our own is doing something stupid?"

"Hn."

"Lets take another day to get back to base, just to make sure."

How about another month is what Itachi wanted to say instead he humored Kisame by saying "Hnn." That extra n would have him guessing the meaning for weeks.

* * *

Back at the Akatsuki base, Zetsu was trying to get a good lick of Deidara who was desperately trying to escape Tobi's Hug No Jutsu. Kakuzu was pestering Hidan about the five bucks he needed so bad. Chiyo was wondering around the lair trying to find Sasori who was apparently hidden very well. Konan and Pein were not far behind the old hag to watch Sasori's reaction. Needless to say, the Akatsuki were unaware when two women burst in through the nonexistent door.

"Who stood me up," Tsuande yelled. The men in the kitchen, Deidara, Zetsu, Tobi, Kakuzu and Hidan turned their attention towards her. "What kind of low-life-"

"Who the fuck are you," Hidan interjected.

"I am-"

The room fell silent. Everyone could feel something strange, something magical. Zetsu's eyes became filled with lust at the sight of her. Not a normal lust, that was accompanied by a stomach growl. No, this was a lust he hasn't felt in a long time. She had the same look in her eyes. When their vision connected, sparks flew. Zetsu crawled closer to her, not wanting to wake up from this dream as she rushed towards him. He held out his arms and she flew into them. The fated pair embraced in an enchanted hug. He nibbled at her neck and she nuzzled at his. "What is your name," Zetsu whispered. She blushed a bit and brought up her arm to cover the redness. The two stared at each other, not wanting the moment to fade.

"Ton-Ton," Shinuze coughed.

* * *

**Author's note**: ZetsuxTon-Ton. Yes, I went there. Hidan's songs are the most epic songs ever. If you couldn't tell they were: 1. If Your Happy And You Know It 2. Itsy Bitsy Spider 3. Three Blind Mice. Go back and read them in that tune XD

~Anonymous reviews are on~


	5. Of Plants and Pigs

Pein and Konan peered inside the kitchen to see Zetsu getting freaky with a pig while four people just stared at them. "Who are you two," Pein questioned. "I'm getting sick of people trompin' in here like they own the place."

"I am a heart broken woman," Tsunade half heartily cried. "One of your teammates stood me up! Where are their manners?"

"Kakuzu," Pein called. "You got two women? Niceeee." Pein gave Kakuzu a half-lidded look and held his hand out. "Come on man, don't leave a brother hangin'."

"Konan, if you knew Pein was going to be out of character, why did you even bring him," Kakuzu asked. Konan shrugged. She was getting slightly upset that she was always tagging along with Pein, but it was so worth it for future blackmail.

"Does no one see a plant fucking a pig in our kitchen," Hidan yelled. Zetsu licked under Tonton's chin causing her to giggle like crazy. Pleased Zetsu was turning his woman on, he began removing her vest with his teeth. Exploring her underbelly with his moist tongue. "Get a fucking room! This is almost as nasty as Kakuzu's face."

"Ughh," Kakuzu groaned. "Here comes that arm again."

"Ton-ton," Shinuze said, appalled. "Have some decency. Save yourself for marriage." Zetsu and Ton-Ton glanced at each other thinking the same thought. Zetsu crawled into the ground so just his head was sticking out.

"Lady Ton-Ton," he spoke. "You have filled our lives with joy the moment we laid eyes on you. **We would be honored to have you as our wife**." Zetsu lifted his hands from the earth and removed his Akatsuki ring. Ton-Ton bobbed her head excitedly and stuck her right hoof out. Zetsu smiled and took her hoof in hand. He placed the ring on and engaged in a passionate kiss. Cheesey love music started to echo around them as a pastel pink glow surrounded them. The entire room stared at this, even Sasori came out of hiding to witness this.

"You bastard," the corner fern cried. "I thought what we had was special."

"Its over," Zetsu said, without even looking at her. "**Get a life bitch**."

"This day sucks," she cried, hoping out the base and into a sandstorm.

* * *

In the vast abyss of desert, Itachi passed out. "Itachi, are you okay," Kisame asked, catching his comrade. Itachi nodded and regained his posture.

"Someone did something really stupid."

"Should we hurry back then?"

"Yes. This stupidity is killing me."

* * *

"Grandson," Chiyo yelled landing on Sasori. He wearily turned around and saw the decrepit thing on hugging him like a fangirl.

"Why is she here," Sasori hissed.

"Kakuzu and her are getting married," Hidan stated. "I'm getting tired of telling everyone this. Kakuzu go buy her a nice ring or some shit."

"So you're the rich man," Tsunade cooed seductively, walking over to Kakuzu. She traced her fingernails along his cloak. "Take me instead."

"Is that the slug princess," Chiyo spat, getting up from Sasori. "Back off he's mine."

"I thought you hated me," Kakuzu inquired, slightly smirking. It's been a while since two women fought over his sexy body.

"Not if it means the she-slug is going to be happy. Let's go." Chiyo pulled on her man.

"I don't think so," Tsunade yelled, grabbing Kakuzu and throwing him against the wall carelessly. "He's mine."

"Ow," Kakuzu coughed.

"He's mine. We already went on a date," Chiyo spat back, getting up in Tsunade's grill.

"Oh God, it hurts so much. My back! Argh, it's broken."

"Why would he want an old hag like you?"

"Please help, so much pain."

"Look who's talking. Anyone can do that simple jutsu."

"Did some one call," Pein asked.

"Bring it bitch."

"Its on."

"Ladies, ladies," Hidan said, breaking them up. "There is plenty of Kakuzu for both of you. Hey assface pick one to be with forever right now!"

"I think I'm paralyzed."

"Tch, he's no help. I guess we'll have to pick for him. I saw this television show once where all these bitches did some stupid shit and that meant they loved the guy even more. You two put on some bikinis while I prepare a challenge." The two women glared at each other and stormed off to get changed. Kakuzu was still stuck to the wall, withering in pain. "Get off the wall you retarded fuck!"

"What about me," Shizune squeaked.

"I don't know! Jashin, I have to do everything!" Hidan threw his arms in the air and stomped away.

"Help," Deidara whimpered, still entrapped in Tobi's arms. Sasori took this as his chance to hide, especially since his grandmother was going to squeeze her ass into a bikini. He shuttered at the horrible mental image and scuttled off. Pein and Konan looked at each other and shrugged. They went outside to set up lawn chairs for whatever Hidan had planned.

* * *

"I think we should have tons of flowers at out wedding," Zetsu chimed, flipping through a wedding magazine. Ton-Ton nodded her head. "What colors do you want, hun?" Ton-Ton scratched her head and pointed to two colors. "Black and white?** I love it**. You're so smart!" Ton-Ton blushed as Zetsu stole another kiss.

"Seriously," Hidan gawked, carrying a hose. "Go away. This is about Kakuzu's lack of love life, not yours." Zetsu shot a glare at Hidan but Ton-Ton put a hoof on his arm to quell him.

"**Your right baby**, not worth it." Ton-Ton smiled and moved herself closer to Zetsu's embrace. "**I wish we didn't have to wait until marriage**, but the wait will be so worth it." Ton-Ton gave her man a sly smile and moved her snout inches away from his tender lips. She taunted him and kept her pig nose there, letting them share the same air. Finally, Zetsu couldn't take her teasing and connected lips with her. He wanted to ram his tongue down her throat and taste every part of her. Ton-Ton pulled away, panting for air. Zetsu was still hungry for more and started sucking on her neck. Ton-Ton threw her head back in pure joy.

"Mr. Zetsu, what are you doing to that poor piggie," Tobi cried, rushing to break them up. "Bad Zetsu, piggie isn't food."

"**Drop her right now**," Zetsu growled. If anything were to happen to _his_ Ton-Ton, he would snap. Tobi clutched the pig tighter in his embrace, crushing poor Ton-Ton. She squealed in his arms and desperately tried to escape, sending Zetsu worried looks. Zetsu lunged at Tobi, who out of fear, dropped Ton-Ton to the ground. Zetsu chased Tobi out of the room and drew his attention to his injured lover. "Are you okay," Zetsu asked.

"Oi...nk," Ton-Ton coughed before slipping out of consciousness. Zetsu felt tears plaguing his eyes as he saw his baby in pain.

"Ton-Ton," Zetsu whispered. "Don't leave. **Stay with us.**" A lone tear slipped down his cheek and landed on Ton-Ton's pearls. The pig became engulfed in a white light and started to hover a few inches from the ground. The light expanded so much that Zetsu needed to shield his eyes.

"Zetsu," Ton-Ton squealed, jumping into Zetsu's arms. "You broke the curse!"

* * *

Kisame held his head in pain and his knees started to buckle. "I-I-I can feel their stupidity radiating throughout my body," Kisame panted. A cold sweat started to match his shakes.

"We must be close," Itachi replied.

* * *

Outside the Akatsuki headquarters of pure evil, Hidan set up an obstacle course for the women to compete in. A cheap yellow slip 'n slide was at the start with a stage and two poles at the end. Shizune wheeled Kakuzu towards the end. Yes, wheeled. She decided to tend to Kakuzu's wounds so he was now in a wheel chair covered in a full body cast. "Hey you," Hidan yelled, pointing to Shizune. "Get the retard, blondie and puppet boy out here now. The challenge is going to start soon." Shizune did as she was told and hurried off inside. Konan and Pein watched the madness from the safety of their folding chairs, sharing a bag of popcorn.

When everyone was outside, Hidan took to the center of their field. "Okay assholes, this is what we are doing," Hidan bellowed. "Them two bitches are gonna be running through the obstacle course and when they finish we have to vote who Kakuzu's soul mate is." This earned Hidan muffled complaints from Kakuzu but he neither heard nor cared. "First, a moment of prayer. If you would join me, Jashin we thank you for giving me immortality so I won't die when I see dem old bitches in bikinis. Ahem!"

"Ahem," everyone else echoed.

"Now, let's see our lovely ladies!"

**

* * *

**

**Author's note: **This chapter is dedicated to ZetsuxTon-Ton because I really wanted to write a sappy love scene but Kakuzu would not fit into that. Thought to ponder, would a ZetsuxTon-Ton lemon/lime/apple be taking it to far? Will this prove that not all jokes have a limit? Oh well, until next time my loves.

~Anonymous reviews are on~


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